Ah, here I am again, unable to tell anyone. The universe is against me speaking my mind, against me sharing this thought, this line of reasoning. Is it my mind that causes this error, do I have that much control? I know someone knows this url, that my audience of one cares deep enough to be hurt by what it is I write. To be confussed and unable to help. Or to help by telling someone to question the truth, to force upon me the help that I may need. Perhaps I fear that my audience is more than one. That I have inadvertantly left a trace that is eassy to follow to those who would not be kind, who would not be helpful, who would not respect my privacy or come to me about what it is that they have found and what it is that they have read. yes, I fear that more. I fear that if it has been found, thye are reading it in secret, laughing behind my back at my pathetic state, never letting on that they can read my inner soul, that they have found my true illusion of honesty. Simply reading it uncencered, unfeeling, calliously taking my fears for granted, as if feelings were something that don't actually exsist in other humans. ah, and that is why I try not to feel. I am endlessly poor at trying not to have emotions, to be purely logical, yet loving and lovable.
Saturday, July 13, 2002