My breasts have hurt for the last two or three nights, natually the first place my mind went was to pregancy. Any woman in childbearing age thinks first of that when anything, anything at all is wrong. But there is no child developing in my womb. After confirming this no child thing, I began to ponder other possible sources of feeling like I might be pregnant. . .
Are memories meant to save us from the same mistakes, or are the meant to hinder our ability to face the future unprejudiced? I am not certain, but I am vividly now recalling a time when I was convinced I was pregnant. Test after test for so many months revealed nothing. Everyday I felt a little worse but never so bad that it warrented seeking help. My body tried to warn me then, it is trying to warn me now, before it is too late and the damage is permanent. I know there is something wrong and haniously I recognize the symptoms.
Why am I so terrified to share this? Why am I so afraid to believe in these? So it might be years of useless testing, that leads everyone to believe that I am merely depressed and making a grand illuision for attention, It might also be that I say something and they find it, long before the pain starts long before it is years of continual major medical effort to bring life back to a semblence of an order that is still never the same. why would I be afraid of preventing that? and if I am not afraid, why can't I simply call up the doctor and tell him, tell him everything.
I know that is what I need to do, today when I realised yet one more thing that brings me full circle I knew it was time to say something. to do something.

All I really want to do is cry out for a nice safe cage. I feel like custer the cowardly dragon. I cry for a nice safe cage, but when the real danger is there I shall simply take care of it, Do what I must. and I guess now I must.

I am trying to convince myself here. I know I should, I know I could, but I don't know if I will. It would help immensely if I could hear your words of encouragment or discouragement. Or maybe just your words. . . You know who you are my audience of one, you know I expect to hear nothing unless I ask. I am asking. I value your emotional support, and want your strength behind me as I face again the things that have become my greatest fears.

   [ POSTED BY Penelope @ 11:51 PM ] [ ]