my confidence in myself is week.
I truely felt like I was going to find the inner strength to talk about it with the medical profesion and that I was going to do it in the morning. it is morning now. four am. I no longer have the will. I no longer have the desire. I do not want to do the tests. I don't want to spend all that time and money for so many tests. I don't want to be poked and prodded in ways that no human should have to endure. I don't want the baffled looks. I don't want the fear in relitives and friends. I don't want to cause that scene. I don't want to start that uproar. I don't want to tell anyone, and I am ashamed for having already told those who know. I should not do that to them. It isn't right.
Monday, July 15, 2002