what it is like. . . that wave of forboding comes, not like a tital wave, or hitting a brick wall, but like the gentle tide rolling in, or perhaps likend to when a frog is set in luke warm water that is slowly heated and they don't even realize they are being cooked. It comes in slowly if you watch and fast if you aren't paying attention. Then it speaks to me. It asks me to give in, I tell it no. It tells me of how if I give in I would be helped, I would be safe, I would be found. I tell it about all the horrible things that would happen. All the tests and people who would be frightened. It then demands, I then refuse. eventually it decides the game is no fun and either goes away or it takes me unwillingly. If if takes me, I am siezed by a light weakness in all my muscles. I find it hard to move, but I still can. during this incredibly short period of time, my body tempurture raises, the whole world goes fuzzy, I try ever so hard to unlock my knees and lean gently to the side that looks less painful, my eyes roll back in my head and I collapse. from the moment I start to fall I can not move anything. I am not certain that I even feel anything, but my mind is still there. still alert and aware. I hit the ground, more gently now after practice and learning how to best prepair in the short time I have. If my eyelids to do not entirely close while I am leing on the ground, tears will form and roll down my face to keep my eyes clean. Then I have however long to think. I often think of who is nearby and how to give them a believable lie that they need not be worried when I come out of it. I often meditate, I often daydream, or think about things that I want to tell people or want to hear from people. and the time passes. suddenly I gasp, a huge intake of air, I must not breath enough while unable to move. That is also when the pain of falling, hitting whatever, bruising hits me (this is where that tsumami, brick wall discription comes in well) . If very painful I will curl up in fetal position and lay there. if not I tend to sit hunched over my knees. most of the time I am too weak to stand immediatly.

   [ POSTED BY Penelope @ 2:34 AM ] [ ]