The body holds illusion, the body is illusion, and what we seek outside it is also illusion. Choose your illusion carefully and becareful when switching from one to the other. We all hate change, and it is hard to go back to something that is less than you have had. I know it was only a few short days that I was in the coma, but I expereinced a large part of eternity in a timeless sense while you all waited, nervous, sleepless, struggling to understand. I was at peace. aware but not anxious or tired or on the edge of darkness. I was blissfully caried in light. complete and whole but without solid shape. every molecule was my friend, every moecule a seperate being that made up the whole and I could see them choosing there paths, decideing how close to be to one another and weather or not to stay in thier familiar roles and repeat thier familair life and that familiarity making up the whole of what they were in, the larger picture. I can see them still every molecule that made up the tree and the two landscapes of vivid colors that only in retrospect seem illfitting. but more so I crave the feeling. There is no real word for it. It was all and nothing.
Perhaps now that I have had that experience I seek it's balance. the lows to match the highs. Perhaps that is why I crawl seekingly into the dark. Perhaps that is why I am so perplexed at the moments when I can feel the light, when I can cease to be here and start toward there. I know I control. That it can not be with out my say so, and that while I am afraid of it, I long for it.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002