I lied today. The most absurd lie. one I couldn't figure out why I felt I had to do. but I knew I could not go. And damn my pride I couldn't justjust tell them that I had a funny feeling about it. for that would seem far more absurd then a simple lie. I wanted sex, I have a weekness for the pleasure. I was so afraid. and pleasure calms my nerves. It allows me to relax within the confines of my mind. lasting ever so much longer today than I was ready for, I communed with the powers, I call them friend now, but like any friend we have our differnces of opinion and it is hard for me to let that go. We shared our concerns and then I came back but my body seemed unready. I knew I was there and I could struggle in vain to tense muscles, stiving to make them work. although a few individual cells shorten there was not enough to move. If one had been watching close they might have seen my arms tighten, they might have seen my finger twitch. They might have known that I was conciously there, aware of each movement, each breath of air, and the ever familiar tingling that sits upon my fingers like restless animals. If one had been watching they might have been able to feel the voice in my head screaming at me to move, and the desperate fear stuggling to make it happen. but there was only a brief moment in which someone was there holding my hand, checking my heart and then allowing what needed to happen to happen without them watching. oh how I wanted to answer to say something, anything, to even be able to open my eyes and see him looking at me. I want to be in control, but perhaps that is the lesson of it. I am grateful that I listined to the intuition, and perhaps someday I'll simply be able to accept the absurd reason of "it just doesn't feel right"

   [ POSTED BY Penelope @ 6:04 PM ] [ ]