One must learn not to speak too soon. Only this one is accidentally self inflicted and although it does not make the physical side any better, emotionally it is more tolerable because I can silently yell in my mind at myself that I "did it to myself". There is something more noble about owning up without complaint to the consequences of your own actions. There is that very cliche feeling of having made my bed and having to lie in it (yes, I know how that is spelled). There is a very unnerving and helpless feeling when you can't look back and say, "well, I guess that's my fault" It seems unfair when you can't blame yourself, or even someone else. Perhaps it is because when you claim responsibility you own the event, in a sense you still have power, but more likely it is just that you can curse up a storm to release tension, anger and fear, and you can feel justified in doing so.
Friday, September 06, 2002