Depression like the imprint left upon a bed. . . .
Depression like the depth to which you have to sink into snow to be able to make an angel. . .
Depression like the footprints in soft sod. . .
Depression like the pressing darkness. . .
Depression like the squeltching flesh benieth a branding iron
I'm not sure I want to know. in fact I am almost certain that I don't want to know. Either way it is both good news and bad news. It will allievate and create fear all at once in either answer.
lighthearted paranoia. That is all you see. In reality that is probably all I am. So far off in the distance like the shadows of the night against the sky, all you see is darkness. but there must be substance to create a shadow? there must be causes to create the symptoms? or perhaps not.perhaps it is time I forgo the agony of being sick and tired and move on with life. . . If only one could do so easily.
words tend to fail me. . . I have emotions that come as unwhole thoughts, ideas that can not be articulated and therefore cannot be expressed. I wish I could share them. but I have never heard them expressed anywhere probably for the same reason I cannot. there simply exsists no means. goodnight.
I have no burning feelings in my soul in which to discuss tonight. Only a deafening silence which is begining to block out the painfully loud sounds of those around me. I crave pain. I crave the palpale lasting sensation that brings about a different state of mind and blocks out the silence. I wonder why it would only be pain that would do that? why can't other sensations such as touch, massage, silk bubble baths do that? actually come to think of it when it was only a dull roar sex could drown it out. (explains a lot) but I can still here it now even in the midst of orgasm. only shear sharpe pain can drown it now. perhaps that is why I beg for such sexual interation?
It matters not how strait the gate.
how charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-W.E. Henley, Invictus
fear
The thing that numbs the heart is this:
that man cannot devise
some scheme of life to banish fear
that lurks in most men's eyes
-James Norman Hall
"An interesting effect to watch for," Max was telling them, "is in the upper left quadrant of the sky, where if you look very carefullyyou can see the star system Hastromil boiling away into the ultraviolet. Anyone here from Hastromil?"
There were one or two slightly hesistant cheers from somewhere at the back.
"well," said Max beaming cheerfully at them, "it's too late to worry about weather you left the gas on now."
distinct, irridencent, the same and ever changing. Is it that I look from a different angle and what I see changes completely or is it that my mind bends and shapes it's illusions to what I need to beleive?
Today I accomplished nothing and felt almost the same. I know the logic of it, and that with time it will pass, but I'm not sure just how long it will last, and I'm not sure how to help myself reach the bottom so I can come back up.
A deep deadening silence consumes me. I speak nothing of what it is that slowly consumes me from the inside, I have ignored and denied it now long enough that the silence is overtaking my brain. Silence keeps my mind. It is the loudest silence that has ever split my soul and I dare not shatter it's delicate affliction. I revel it's it's alltoghether different nothingness than the one I have endured blissfully before.
Hello Darkness my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while I was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain,
still remains
within the Sounds of Silence
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
'Neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.
"Fools" said I,"You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you."
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, The words of the prophets
are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002