beads of rain cascaded lightly down
the smooth surface of her face
maybe her eyes didn't shine with gladness
but with the pain that had been eating away at her
fragile heart all along
and who says anyone is immune to the pain
and twisting of emotions taking over
amber - colored tears mixing in
the hue over-powering the tranquility
a state of mind caused by a stranger
making only a cameo appearance in her life
who came in as quickly
as they left
and so the pain eases up
about ten years later
because of the memories etched in
as a design upon her heart.
depression has taken over, it is now regular life and I almost forget what it is like not to be. I think I should seek help, and all the reasons that I have for not doing it are pathertic and don't hold water. They are unimportant excuses. the first is because I don't want to be considered nutty for needing therapy. I should be counting my blessing and happy just to be fucking breathing air, and oh I am. next is that I don't trust therapist because of past experiences, although there is one small highlight, one single doctor who although he eventually told me I was nuts first asked me if I belived there was really something wrong, and by that time I was so baffled, befuddled and doubtful that I didn't know. next is that I don't know any therapist and therefore don't have a closeness enough to open up to them about all this stuff, and I'm not even sure what there is to open up about. another reason is money. I can't even afford to get my dryer fixed. I'm stringing clothes across my living room and hopeing that I can save up enough money to get it fixed next month, meanwhile I know there isn't enough money to pay all the household bills this month, much less the medical bills which are starting to come in with collection threats again. How am I going to be able to afford medical bills for things that might not even be wrong with me? so here I sit. depressed, moody, lonely without anyone to contact, without any hopes of it getting better, wondering what kind of damage my depression is doing to my son. which in the end only depresses me further.
the one after care more care less is about Mandy and how I ache at her current situation and the guilt I have about putting her there before she was ready
It was one of those nights, is about my relationship with God. I am in pain, and I call out to him, I curse at him for not being there for me, and then how is is there for me but how I find it only a torture, I seach for understanding, ending with me jumping into unknown faith and understanding healing
these things shouldn't be here now, is about the blackouts
I died so many years ago, is about a conflict with myself. IT is the battle within my self not to give in to the blackouts, and how I can give up my body to them and still not find my sweet realease. that's when I tell it to come and get me but I won't go willingly, and then the I'll be waiting is how it responds to my threat
untill it has finished feasting on my soul
I was afraid to show you my pain
my anger
my sorrow
I was afraid to show you my confussion
my lost soul,
my inner angst
I was afraid to be weak
to be frightened
to give up
but still I needed to express
the feelings felt so strong
and that is why I write
in a silence for so long
I cannot bare to share
but I cannot bare to hide
and the secrecy of silence
I simply can't abide
Care More, Care Less Care more about your family
their hurts, their aches, their pains
Care more about your friends
their hobbies, their hopes, their gains
Care more about the strangers
and what you can do for them
Care more of how you think of them
Care less how they think of you
Care less about the way you look
your clothes, your hair, your shoes
Care less about the gossip
the whats and whys to whos
Care less about the details
when it comes to how you live
Care more of how you think of them
Care less how they think of you
make me feel better
make the pain stop
end the guilt
that plaugues my soul
end the bitter regret
the tears that cannot fall
end the silent drumming of my fears
end the helpless watching feeling
end the waiting not to know
wish I could do something,
wish I knew what
wish I knew that help
wouldn't hurt when all was said and done
but most of all I just wish love
and happiness could once again fill your every waking moment
It was one of those nights when you wonder how nobody died
I had no plan only to walk, to walk until it hurt no more,
To run and to scream,
To fight and to bleed,
To hide under the cover
You can show me how to hide the pain,
how to turn and never give up again.
But you arn't there,
you've given me what I should never have known
and then you take it away
You scream as you make me bleed,
you scream as you take me to this next level of hell
teaching me all the time of the times I could never see
of the things I should have never seen
I walk and things become no clearer
I run and things become no clearer
I hide and things become no clearer
I scream and things become no clearer
I bleed and things become no clearer
these things shouldn't be here now
shouldn't happen to me
i shouldn't have seen these things
of heard these things
of tasted these things
of feared these things
but i did
I died so many years ago
and you can make it feel like it isn't so
since i'm only dead to you i'm saying stay away!!!
you know you got a willing slave
and you just like the thought that I might misbehave
I can lay my body down but I cant find my sweet release!!
fuck you
you want me.... well come on and fucking get me i'll be waiting with a gun and a packet of sandwiches... you
I'll be waiting to kill you to end the things you've loved for so long, to ruin the things you've never seen, to run from the things you'd like to hide from. Thats right i'm talking to you you cannot hide from me. i've know what you've done all this time all the things you will never tell another soul they are all in here with me and i will keep telling you unitl there is nothing left of you anymore until i have finsihed feasting on what you call a soul.
ouch. my heart hurts, and I run the range of grief to know what to do, I want to not belive it. over and over I say you are too strong you have come too far, and then I curse myself out for having put you in that situation, haveing torn you away from something bad only to put you in something worse. then I curse you out for fucking up the opprotunity and the funding and the hope. And then I think about going there to kick your butt, but I know it won't help. It has to be your desicion. I just wish it didn't hurt so much to watch you make the mistakes you swore to never make. I love you, Wish I could tell you.
under these circumstances they can hardley cope
notice thier fleeting glances and there lack of hope
I offer this sugesstion
they don't seem to care
this is my generation
drowning in dispair
We circumvent our feelings through an angry sound
he who complains the loudest wears the fattest crown
we're anti everybody, call it parania
sorrow is a lonely feeling
usettled is a painful place
I've lived with both for far too long now
since we've parted ways
I've been wrestling with my Conscience
and I've found myself to blame
if there is to be any resolution
I've got to peal my pride away
Just between you and me
I've got something to say
want to get it straight before the sun goes down
Just between you me
confession needs to be made
recompense is my way to freedom now
just between you and me
I've got something to say
confession is the road to healing
forgivenss is the promised land
I'm reaching out in my convictions
I'm longing to make amends
so I'm sorry for the words I've spoken
for I've betrayed a friend
we've got a love that is worth preserving
and I've found out where I'll defend
Just between you and me
I've got something to say
want to get it straight before the sun goes down
Just between you me
confession needs to be made
recompense is my way to freedom now
just between you and me
I've got something to say
In my prusuit of god
I thirst for holiness
Sunday, November 17, 2002
