depression has taken over, it is now regular life and I almost forget what it is like not to be. I think I should seek help, and all the reasons that I have for not doing it are pathertic and don't hold water. They are unimportant excuses. the first is because I don't want to be considered nutty for needing therapy. I should be counting my blessing and happy just to be fucking breathing air, and oh I am. next is that I don't trust therapist because of past experiences, although there is one small highlight, one single doctor who although he eventually told me I was nuts first asked me if I belived there was really something wrong, and by that time I was so baffled, befuddled and doubtful that I didn't know. next is that I don't know any therapist and therefore don't have a closeness enough to open up to them about all this stuff, and I'm not even sure what there is to open up about. another reason is money. I can't even afford to get my dryer fixed. I'm stringing clothes across my living room and hopeing that I can save up enough money to get it fixed next month, meanwhile I know there isn't enough money to pay all the household bills this month, much less the medical bills which are starting to come in with collection threats again. How am I going to be able to afford medical bills for things that might not even be wrong with me? so here I sit. depressed, moody, lonely without anyone to contact, without any hopes of it getting better, wondering what kind of damage my depression is doing to my son. which in the end only depresses me further.

   [ POSTED BY Penelope @ 2:27 PM ] [ ]