ha ha ha funny. I forgot that last post was on here and I came in just to remind myself that on this day (july 21st 2003) that something isn't right, although I can't tell you what it is. it could be my creatine is a little high, or perhaps I am dehydrated. perhaps there is some unknown virus perpetrating crimes against some body part. it might even be (the universe willing) the very early parts of a pregnancy. who knows, who really cares. the point is something isn't quite right and I'm here to document it because after all that is why I created this site.

I supoze in all technicalaity I started this site to document "the episodes" as is there current description and I have done anything but document them here. I think by stating what they are and that they are happening I somehow give them credience to exsist and if I ignore them they seem somewhat benign and unharmful, just a small part of life that noone need know or care. Actually they happened last night (or rather early this morning) it happened twice durning the night. "But you were sleeping?" you say, "how woud you know?". have you ever been nearly completely paralized? you don't sleep through the onset of it, besides I didn't sleep very well anyway. so I was noticing to myself this morning that they really haven't been around much latley and that I tend not to notice there absence until they reappear, and then there is the whole pondering why they come back thing. Which is, as you can imagine, very difficult to figure out, and the pondering tends to make me weary.

I've been thinking more about God latley. I can't necessarily tell you what I think about God, just that I do. I've actually found that the majority of songs that I really like are somehow God related. I don't tend to like the preachy ones. but the ones that are nuetral or questioning. I wonder why that is. and what particularily I am seeking for if anything. They say that when you face your own mortality, when you have a huge life altering event that it changes your relationship with God. Perhaps what I am seeking now is my new comfort levels in that area and trying to figure out how, why, and when it changed. I feel both closer and father away. I feel both a longing and a distaste for all things spiritual. it's a dicotomy that I ponder endlessly, and it's hard to satisfy your want to hear something you don't want to hear.

   [ POSTED BY Penelope @ 12:46 PM ] [ ]

Father please forgive me
for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
on the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar
Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
all the doubt I'm feeling

   [ POSTED BY Penelope @ 9:22 AM ] [ ]