I CAN'T DO IT!!! i wasn't f*cking made to have kids. one yeah. one I could handle until he went and spent a week with his trouble making cousin. now that he's home he's taking the other two and getting them into so much trouble that I have to lock them in thier room so I don't hurt them.
Ever wanted to call 911 and say "get the fuck over here and take them for 20 min or I'm going to kill them" ? ever wonder what they'd say? where the hell are good neighbors when you need them? why the hell aren't there any other stay at home mom's around? I can't believe I fucking gave up my job for this. work seems like such a blissful oasis compared to this hell! well at least now I have an hour before I have to see two of the rug rats again. I can totally see why mothers of many toddlers flip out and methodically kill all thier kids. it's self preservation instinct. In the wild many animals kill thier young if there is too many, and I feel like there are definatly too many.
your feasty eyes won't make me fall apart
your turquoise and silver won't weaken this old heart
yeah, dancing and chanting in a sacrificial rite
I fell to the ground on a windy, windy night
well I have passed the test just like all the rest
but never really understood the reasons
why I took it in the first place
ah, in the first place
well I have passed the test just like all the rest
but never really understood the reasons
why I took it in the first place
ah, in the first place
smile, maybe noone will notice. Do I behave that way because I don't want anyone to notice, or because life is more enjoyable when I smile and pretend there is nothing to notice?
illness, i'm not really sure what I want to say about it. Only that it has become such an everyday part of my life. At first when the sickness came I layed down and let it come, I let it wash over me in waves of self pitty and the "woe is me" feeling. my life would end for 3 to 14 days at time. I would be stuck in my house, not wanting to "infect the world" but one cannot function that way. One cannot feel whole when they miss a solid month of work due to illness after illness. life goes on. It doesn't care if I participate it just leaves me alone, all alone where noone cares or notices anymore. It's like I simply fade into non-exsistance. And I go back and forth between wanting to set everything up so I can fade more easily without anyone suffering from me always being absent, and fighting with everything I have to still feel important, useful needed. I want to be in a place where I am indespensable, but I don't want anyone to need to depend on me, because somewhere, many places along the line, I won't be there. I'll be here; sick, useless.
Well here I am on the morning of my two year anniversary. yup, two years to the day from the day I spent 16 hours in surgery to recieve a kidney that just minutes before belonged to my father. I should be ellated to have made it this far. I should be pleased as punch for the very fact that I am still alive, that I can breath, and pee. and yet I am somewhat dissatisfied. although for the life of me I couldn't tell you why. I guess perhaps it's a little to do with "always being treated and never being cured." don't get me wrong. I am glad to be alive (most of the time) and I do enjoy my life. As far as I can figure it's damn near the best a life can get. but in a sad distant longing sort of way I wish there could be a cure and not just an eternal treatment. I would like to even just for a short time have all the energy that a 23 year old is supozed to have, to have the drive and ambition and clearness of thought that comes with not always living in a constant mind fog created by creatine that isn't high enough to set off alarms but isn't low enough to feel particularily well either. when in conversation about my illness with someone the other day, They told me, but it's all over now. as if it were a particularily nasty flu that hit me for a week or so before going on it's merry way. I know it was meant to be all comforting a happy ending. everyone wants a happy ending and I guess this is about as close as it gets to a happy ending. But the happy ending here isn't all fairy tale like cinderella, it's more happy ending like "the seventh gate" (the death gate cycle) where it's the best possible outcome although still frightening in what you know must lie ahead.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003