illness, i'm not really sure what I want to say about it. Only that it has become such an everyday part of my life. At first when the sickness came I layed down and let it come, I let it wash over me in waves of self pitty and the "woe is me" feeling. my life would end for 3 to 14 days at time. I would be stuck in my house, not wanting to "infect the world" but one cannot function that way. One cannot feel whole when they miss a solid month of work due to illness after illness. life goes on. It doesn't care if I participate it just leaves me alone, all alone where noone cares or notices anymore. It's like I simply fade into non-exsistance. And I go back and forth between wanting to set everything up so I can fade more easily without anyone suffering from me always being absent, and fighting with everything I have to still feel important, useful needed. I want to be in a place where I am indespensable, but I don't want anyone to need to depend on me, because somewhere, many places along the line, I won't be there. I'll be here; sick, useless.
Monday, August 25, 2003