I'm not sure what to be more mad at; the children's huge mess, the fact that the mom was down here with them and didn't pay any fucking attention, the Fact that the husband didn't bother to check if the child was ok before punishing him, or the fact that my body fucking gave out, paralizing me, when I was most needed. Maybe it is all in my fucking head and it gave out because I had enough stress and I couldn't handle an hour of watch the kids clean up some shit that they never should have been playing with in the first place. Stress deffinately seems to have an impact on it, and the rest of me. my abdomen hurts again.
No matter how I try to convince myself that it was nothing, the pain makes me remember. there we were having a jolly old time talking about our only sons and how we want another child someday without having the gap too large between them. we had made a conection and we were both happy. Suddenly I looked up and her eyes were moist, more wet and glimering in the dark examination room then they should have been. Maybe it was just a reflection that I hadn't seen before. Maybe the new silence meant nothing, maybe she just needed to concentrate. . .time passed. I wondered if it really was just a trick of the light, what happened to the bubbly conversation that had suddenly changed to an omonious silence? I had almost convinced myself it was all in my imagination when she began to speak (only to tell me the exam was done and I could get dressed) but it wasn't a happy bubbly voice it was one that was beyond a doubt chokeing on tears, a throat constricted and trying to strain a sadness out of it.
I can't stop reliving it, can't stop wondering, can't stop worrying. I've been more irritable, more stressed, more on edge all weekend. may all my fears be in vein, may tomorrow reveal unfounded fears. may my intuition be silenced for the night (at least on this matter) I can't take it telling me things I don't want to hear and so want to be wrong.
Sunday, October 05, 2003