Anger. . . I know it's ok to feel it. I know it's a natual part of the healing/ grieving process, but I still have a hard time admitting to it. I have a hard time allowing the world to see me in the stage where I want to pitch my cell phone or my drugs across the floor, to see them skidding into bits across pavement as I run off to some private location and well up with tears at how unjust it all seems at certain moments. the moments when the "why me" sets in. When I just don't understand how I was chosen to endure things that just seem too much, that my life has to be rearranged and my ideals shifted because of things I claim no control over. Why can't things just work out the way I plan them. 1/4th of the time isn't often enough for me. I want to be reliable and have a work ethic that can show. The worst part is there is noone to blame, nothing I've done to say "you stupid fool, this is all your own doing"
Friday, April 02, 2004