Know why I wanted to run. Somehow I always know something is comming before it comes. Some part of me is aware of the discreet inner workings of my body before there are many physical symptoms. But the physical symptoms hit like the sinking of the titanic. The creatine has finally reached a level in which it will affect my every day life. It will affect every aspect of what I do and it will involentarily take away so many freedoms that I have come to enjoy since the transplant.
Work has become an ideal I can no longer live up to. I don't know why that crushes a part of my spirit. I don't really enjoy my job, It's not bad I just don't have the passion for it that I used to. but it crushes me to know that I won't be able to work. That I'm not capable of making that commitment. Of all the devestations, all the irie similarities to the past that one was the worst. I recognized the yellow foamy dry heaves and the bitter metallic taste that causes such intense attention to oral hygiene, but those can be dealt with. They are only minor physical handicaps. Not being able to work. . . that's a change of life.
Monday, August 09, 2004