Ok so it's not that I don't like illusion. It's just that I don't like relying on illusion to get me through reality. And if I weren't such a stubborn ass sometimes, I'd be having a fabulous time deluding myself into a false sense of security and safety and completely avoiding the things I need to deal with. Which I don't want to deal with, because sometimes reality bites and illusion never has to bite (although it can if you want it to)

Actually I'm avoiding many of the things I can't quite handle yet, but at least I'm acknowledging they are there and need to be dealt with (not that that really takes care of anything) And one of those major things is the downward slide in my physical health. I know it's declining. Every day I feel a little bit worse and most of the time I have to fake that I'm thinking if someone sees me staring off to to space and wonders what's going on in my head. The truth is there is beginning to be nothing. . . Well not nothing persay, there is a vague fog of almost thought and that dread that lies behind emotion. But I'm not pondering the deep things in life, and I'm not wondering what's on TV, I'm not even thinking about how hard it is to nail jello to wall (which is not nearly as easy as you'd think) When thoughts do occasionally occur they tend to be on the morbid side. The kind noone near me wants to hear. So I don't say them.

I know soon I'm going to have to relent my death first statement, swallow my pride and most of my hope, and admit it's time to start dialysis. The idea terrifies me and the only way I'm going to be able to do it is knowing that's it's only temporary, only to get me through a month or two. But it's a slippery slope. I start dialysis saying "it'll just be a month" but then a month later it's "only one more month", and then the next month it's "only one more month" again and pretty soon it's a lifestyle and I'm existing but not living, existing in a hell I swore to never take on as a lifestyle again. I guess that's one of the realities I'd be avoiding if I could abide my delusions.

   [ POSTED BY Penelope @ 8:56 PM ] [ ]