2am: I have just gone to the bathroom and I crawl back in bed to reclaim the few precious hours I have to sleep. But I don't sleep. Something else happens instead. I'm lying there just lying there so tired I feel like I couldn't move my arms or legs if I tried and then it feels like I'm not in my arms or legs, slightly disconnected but not altogether separate. It was . . . Oddly. . . So calming. It was this huge energetic vortex that swirled and pulsed and was so. . . Something I want to learn how to do. I want to be able to control. Actually control so far has been the problem. This has happened to me so many times, only never this strong. This is why I am here. I sat and watched last night. Just watched. So strong, so beautiful, so powerful. I know I have it in me to work with this. How do I do this on command and not just when it happens? What do I do with the vortex when I have some say in it? How do I keep that blissful energetic peace all the time? I never thought something I experienced all by myself that noone else could see or hear or be part of would affect me so profoundly. But in all that seems to be the only thing that does. It was the tree. . . I couldn't explain it to anyone and when they didn't get it hurt me to think that they got it wrong. I would rather have them curse and maim trees than misunderstand. It's better, it's precious if it's just mine and yet I long for someone else to understand to "get it" and share the holiness that is these experiences with me. Is that God? Is that true communication? I long for it. Always.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004