Sour Grapes I'm done hoping. I'm done waiting for things I can't have.
I can't stand the pain of wanting and never getting. It's easier not to want. It's easier to suppress the desire.
It hurts to want so bad, and it hurts to think I'm not good enough to have it. That there is some eternal force stopping me. Some fate standing in my way.
The powers that be have said no and I just need to accept that. I need to stop hoping and just become the bitter shell of repressed desire. Repressed until I don't even know what it was I wanted.
So I was rereading some of the things I have written on this website and I found that I often tend to think that whatever it is that traps me within myself is an enlightened sense. I seem to think that it is something I do to myself unconsciously for my own safety or betterment.
I wonder if this stems back to being told it's all in my head. I wonder if it stems back to my mother stating theories on evolution and crackpot ideas that perhaps I was "different" (in a good way) Perhaps it just goes back to the idea that I find them comforting if a little scary and am beginning to think that the head shrink was right when he told me it was all in my head since there has never been anything medically recorded to prove them and I've never heard similar tales from anyone in the medical community.
Haven't had any lately. Haven't had the time, but if they follow pattern I'd assume tomorrow when I'm staying at home relaxing, coming down off a few days of intense worry. That's when they happen, when I begin to relax. Perhaps that is the reason that I find them slightly comforting. It seems to be when I'm coming down off stress. Actually that might explain it a lot. Hmmm never pondered that before. Makes sense tho.
Friday, October 14, 2005