It happened again. Twice. and this time it left bruises. I told everyone that I had no idea where they were from. It doesn't matter that I fight it anymore. It still takes me. It stilll forever leaves me shaken and moody and longing for the few peaceful months when there was nothing and there was no internal battle with myself. I keep telling me that it is all in my head that if I believe hard enough that I can change it. That I can hold it off. Sometimes it works. The conversation at work ended with my will winning. Why does it sometimes listen and other times say enough and just take me if I am standing or not. Why do I no have the power to just give in anymore. I used to save myself all the pain and lay down when I could feel it comming. It saved the bruises, It saved the pain, it saved the explainations. but because there were no marks no one believed me and maybe that is why I fight, because I want there to be proof and a record even if noone knows about it now.
Saturday, July 06, 2002