I want to sink into my private pit of dispare letting the tears flow unchecked like a river draining the resivior of pain that rests undisturbed like glass upon my brain. I want to sit in the chill of the salt water pool they would create at my feet and feel refreshed. I want it to wash away the memory returning in it's place the concentration, the easy breath and the peace.
so here it is, another day in which the revelations of my new life are thrust violently into my face. My mind longs for activity and adventure and the never ending concorse of activites, my body can not handle activity, it wants the quiet days in which I do little. and whenever I do what is good for one it is damaging to the other. My mind and body seem to be diametricly opposed. assuming that this weekends huge amount of activity with little to no emphasis on sleep or food has anything to do with the "episodes" is almost hard to imagine not doing as today I have ruined the record and been in that state of body twice and I still feel as if it is comming to seek it's revenge on my very hopes of ever living like I did before. The fatigue that seems to rest inside my bones itself is overwhelming and while laying on the floor I strive to even imagine moving, the fibers that make up each muscle seem to have given out and movement is unobtainable. I need to go rest again.
sometimes life seems spectacular, and I have found that those are the days that I either make a deep breakthrugh into the philisophical side of my psychology or they are the days in which I am entirely to busy to think at all about my mental well being. I guess either way is fine.
the things that shook me. . . how entertainingly odd that they would also be the things that inspire me, ther are my reason for living, but also my reason to want to die. They are the light in the darkness, the reason that all of this was endured and yet they are unobtainable, mysteriously out of reach. Hidden in the worst place of all -plain sight. They are the memories that haught my dreams that enlighten my soul. They are the past present and future. they are the my living essence and I can not seem to exprese them. i am aware that if I could full grasp the glory of it I would kill myself to achieve it, although I could not achieve it in that manner.
life certainly is bizzare sometimes, everytime I think I have any part of it figured out it is ripped away from me, conversly everytime I think it has all come to naught something happens or some epiphony hits me and I can once again see a part of it clear as day and am filled with it's sence of wonder at knowing at least in part what it was all for. I have cursed The ultimate power of the universe probably more times than I can count but I find that my relationship with that power is stronger and more meaningful. It becomes more full when we can argue, when we can share a differnece of opinions, be mad and still work together. I have found that I have more power through them and I have also found that at last I crave power. probably not the power that you would imagine I crave. It is not the power to bend wills or know ones mind or power to rule or to be observed as powerful. The power I crave is to communicate with the life force itself, to be able to manifest my very thoughts by simply asking the very bonds of molecules to shift or change, not because I ask them to, but because they want to. I am keenly aware that If I whole heartedly ask I will be granted this ability, but I am not certain yet that I want the consiquences of taking on such a responcibilty. To be able to heal with a single touch, to be able to awaken the bugs splattered on your windshield, to be able to change and rearrange molecules is something that does not come without questioning and and entire change in the perception of ones self by general public. There will be no provacy and mercy and there will be those who do not understand and will worship that which seems godly but is nothing more than any of them could do themselves if they wanted to, not want as in I want something to eat, but as in a want that is so consuming that your believes alter what we consider reality.
All the bullshit you can handle. It's all there, more than you can bare to read in one sitting on hooked on bloging. I no longer desire or crave thier mindless drivel. I find it weak, passe', and pointless. It makes me ponder on the futality of keeping a record of what must seem the same to others who read what it is that oozes from the depths of my soul or sometimes just rattles off from nothingness without a single thought or reason behind it. The writings that used to make up my life have no fun in them anymore, they hold no joy. I find I don't even read them all the way through.
I HATE YOU ALL!!! The whole world can slip into an abyss and disapear in writhing tormented agony, leaving behind peoples homes and lives in devestated smoldering ruins upon a baren wasteland that will never again be inhabitable to life forms built of or relieing on hydrogen. They can fall endlessly pondering the uselessness of thier exsistance and the futality of thier death, sweating in the ever incresing steams rising from the black pits of hell that will consume thier fresh as they melt away, skin istantly disilving, shriveling black away from thier bones in unimaginable, intolerable pain, pierced by the screams describing the same horrors happen to loved ones around them.
mabe we should both leave our men and look for real ones huh?
Joie Ehmke says:
we should but we never will, the years you suffer in life does not mean that's how much you deserve. it's what kind of person you are.
Turtle says:
for which you still deserve more than I
Turtle says:
why would we never leave it we weren't getting what we need?
Turtle says:
I'd leave in a heartbeat if a man ever hit me, even if I left everything but the child
Joie Ehmke says:
well of course, but our husbands aren't like that
Turtle says:
but I get almost everything, and I am aware that no man can make us whole
Turtle says:
no other person can
Turtle says:
wholeness comes from within and once you have that, you can be happy with or without anyone
Turtle says:
they do not complete us. once we are complete then we are free to enjoy them
Turtle says:
I know, I was complete. . .
Turtle says:
I'm not sure what was lost, but that is what I am striving for
Joie Ehmke says:
how long ago were you complete? when did it change?
Turtle says:
I was complete after Rochester's birth untill shortly after the coma
Joie Ehmke says:
hmmm...that coma really shook you Amy
Turtle says:
yes it did
Turtle says:
and the things that shook me the worst are the things I can not speak, can not share for there seems no way
She sits, awkwardly surrounding by the dance of life. Engulphed in its presence, the emotions run through her at a speed far greater than understood by the human mind. She desperately tries to retreave them from the surrounding air, picking one by one at the words floating around her.
Love.
Friends. Family. More than friends? She is hugged by the words of affection that continuously speak out from the mouths of her peers. Her companions. She is suffocated by the falsness of the others. The family. The friends that were never truly friends at all. They attack her. She bleeds from their hurt. The vulnerability that she never allowed to decieve her cuts through her core. The pain flows in.
Hate.
For herself. For the wind that keeps rushing in through her wound, stinging her already broken soul. For others. For many others. The darkness. The light. The solitude of shade, half lit by the sun, but darkened by her fears.
Ah, I am paranoid. Completely paranoid. There is nothing wrong, only small things that I notice that aren't quite right. are they true signs. . . no; just enough to spark the wild torments of my imagination. But time in the end will tell if perhaps just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean its not out to get me.
ok to be honest this blog is very one sided. It is meant to be the inner turmoil and the record of that which I dare not tell others. . . funny that it would be on a public blog then huh? but I thought maybe to set it straight or at least a little less one sided I would get on here just to say that I am feeling peachy at the moment. Life seems mostly good and aside from small phantom pains that come and go I seem to be doing decent physically. So this is to set the record straight or at least firmly wrong.
Lyrics: Hybrid Theory - In The End
It starts with one
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you've fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
And lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
And lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
ah I have been sucessful at avoidance. I have nearly avoided life in general. I have been able to reduce myself to not having feelings, or at least being able to not acknowledge them. However in that process I have lost something signifigant, and gained the greatest muse yet. odd how life works that way. would I be able to continue with what I have started if I were to loose this muse? and if I do not loose this muse will I loose that which I can no longer see with out feeling? will all that work have been in vain? ah the quandry of it all.
Saturday, August 31, 2002