It is a studied fact that a new born baby can not live without love, without some sort of affection or care. A baby has to be touched in order to survive. A baby needs to be shown some sort of affection in order for him or her to "grow" as a person. What is the difference between a baby needing affection, and someone of any other age? Love and affection is something we need at all times.
It's amazing what a good night sleep can do for you. I feel infinitely better now that I am rested.
Childcare only two weeks out of surgery is difficult, but not nearly so much as having friends who can't stand just sitting around in the hotel room. I understand that they have lots of energy and desire to do things, and I love the idea of doing things, but I don't necessarily need to go out into public and do active things everyday when I am still in the major healing aspects of this transplant. I was very active yesterday, and today I have plans to swim. Anymore than that and I'm likely to be in very serious pain.
I'm so tired. I am much more susceptible to moodiness when I am tired. I'm trying really hard to be nice and patient and calm and good, but the truth is I want to yell, "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" I would love to have everything taken care of enough to flop over in my bed and sleep. Too much remains undone to do that, but I can't really deal with it yet so I'm hiding in here instead.
It's not that I've had a bad day. . . Really it's been spectacular. I'm feeling cuddly withdrawn, which really means that I want to be held, patted on the back, and told that everything is going to be ok. Heck I don't even care about the being patted on the back and told that everything is ok. I'd be fine to have a comforting arm around me while I drift off to sleep.
I'm certain that the moodiness is due to lack of sleep and too much activity (did I mention it was a spectacular day?) But I'm not naive enough to think that there aren't underlying issues. You can't have a major life shift (such as major surgery) without having emotional issues attached. As much good as it's all done, there are still issues. And I'm going to have to deal with them eventually. These first two weeks have been fabulous for avoiding the darker side, but now I have to deal with real life again and with real life comes the realness of change. I hate change (not that I wanted things to stay the same).
2am: I have just gone to the bathroom and I crawl back in bed to reclaim the few precious hours I have to sleep. But I don't sleep. Something else happens instead. I'm lying there just lying there so tired I feel like I couldn't move my arms or legs if I tried and then it feels like I'm not in my arms or legs, slightly disconnected but not altogether separate. It was . . . Oddly. . . So calming. It was this huge energetic vortex that swirled and pulsed and was so. . . Something I want to learn how to do. I want to be able to control. Actually control so far has been the problem. This has happened to me so many times, only never this strong. This is why I am here. I sat and watched last night. Just watched. So strong, so beautiful, so powerful. I know I have it in me to work with this. How do I do this on command and not just when it happens? What do I do with the vortex when I have some say in it? How do I keep that blissful energetic peace all the time? I never thought something I experienced all by myself that noone else could see or hear or be part of would affect me so profoundly. But in all that seems to be the only thing that does. It was the tree. . . I couldn't explain it to anyone and when they didn't get it hurt me to think that they got it wrong. I would rather have them curse and maim trees than misunderstand. It's better, it's precious if it's just mine and yet I long for someone else to understand to "get it" and share the holiness that is these experiences with me. Is that God? Is that true communication? I long for it. Always.
Monday, December 27, 2004
