Spring is in the air. Life is begining to show signs of thriving everywhere and I feel more depressed and pulled away, less alive then normal. I think perhaps it is an affliction of spring. every spring I want to move home to the area where all my friends and family originate from. I long to stop the sharades of medications, the sharades of ill health. Somewhere deep inside I believe firmly that I could survive without them, that if I could just believe enough to throw it all out the window and never think of it again that it would all somehow be gone. I find that I skip doses of what are life sustaining substances, knowing that I have forgotton but not going to retrieve them. And I know that somehow the moody blues of a funk are related to the levels of these substances in my blood stream. perhaps not entirely directly related, more of a chain event: the medication causes insomnia, the lack of sleep makes me tired, I do less exersise when I'm tired, I increase in size and decrease in fitness, I watch more tv, I compare myself to those on tv, I feel inadaquate, I know it is all somehow related to the illness and medications and I long to quit them both, to thrive like the blooms of early spring. Spring is in the air.
Sunday, May 04, 2003