I don't particularity have anything to say, or at least not anything I'm willing to say on a public blog, but I have the urge to write none the less. I am sitting here after staying up way too late and sleeping way too little. My mind is a little fogged over from alcohol use last night and drug abuse this morning. (ok so it's not really that I'm abusing the drugs, it's more like the drugs abuse me. Oh get your head out of your ass, they're all prescription) I seem to have found myself once again in that place where post transplant I want to go out and live wild and carefree and do stupid things.
Why is it that doing stupid things is what makes us feel alive? Why is it that we crave stupidly risking life after barely escaping death on a basis that wasn't stupid or avoidable? Somewhere deep inside I am certain I still have a common sense meter which makes me stop after a drink and a half (half a drink more than my limit) and makes me still get up and take my medications even when I know I don't want to either get up or take the drugs.
Hee hee, all this wondering and fighting and self exploration, do you know where it brought me? Yeah not surprisingly it brought me right back to the beginning. In a moment of all out epiphany I realized that the only thing that changed was my acknowledgement of things that were already there. Ok so maybe that's not the only thing that changed, but I realized that a lot of the things I thought weren't me at all back then really were me back then only that I couldn't even conceive of the notion back then.
Having a conversation with someone I talked with regularily as a teen, reminded me of things I said then which only in retrospect show the signs of who I am now. Rereading email from my very first love, that I didn't know I loved romantically, let me see why I was soo very upset when this love loved someone else. Rereading journal entries let me see how I began to realize that things weren't right and the slow process of figuring out what it was that wasn't right.
Retrospect is an interesting way to view things. So much more clear.
Sunday, January 16, 2005