Hee hee, all this wondering and fighting and self exploration, do you know where it brought me? Yeah not surprisingly it brought me right back to the beginning. In a moment of all out epiphany I realized that the only thing that changed was my acknowledgement of things that were already there. Ok so maybe that's not the only thing that changed, but I realized that a lot of the things I thought weren't me at all back then really were me back then only that I couldn't even conceive of the notion back then.
Having a conversation with someone I talked with regularily as a teen, reminded me of things I said then which only in retrospect show the signs of who I am now. Rereading email from my very first love, that I didn't know I loved romantically, let me see why I was soo very upset when this love loved someone else. Rereading journal entries let me see how I began to realize that things weren't right and the slow process of figuring out what it was that wasn't right.
Retrospect is an interesting way to view things. So much more clear.
Saturday, January 01, 2005